Mediocrity

I've been feeling depressed lately. Generally dissatisfied with my day to day routine. I think that's the problem though, I don't want a routine. I get up in the morning dreading the day ahead, knowing that I will be working alone, with no one to talk to except a paint brush, or a mini-blind. Once in a while I'll get a phone call; those seem to be the highlight of my day lately. I usually pretend like I'm busy and don't have time to talk. I guess it's just wishful thinking. Then at the end of the day after making every attempt to make plans for the night with friends, only to find out they are all busy, inevitably I end up back at home. If you could call it that. I hate it. The broken blinds in front of the slider, the thought of bugs possibly being in our house. Every once in a while I'll help a cricket find it's way outside. I hate coming home and seeing people other that my wife standing by the front door, smoking a cigarette, expecting me to ask them if they need any help fixing something. Because that's all I am, a maintenance guy, why would anyone want to talk to me about anything besides that? Then I come inside to find my wife, dinner prepared, happy to see me. She tells me about our plans for the night, I usually have something negative to say about them. So then we fight about whether I'm being mean or she's over sensitive. Every once in a while I'll be in a good mood and Haley will mention it. I deny that I'm acting different that I normally act; if I admit that I'm in a good mood, I am also admitting that that isn't the norm, which is depressing in itself. Building up to the wedding I had something to look forward to, a set goal. Now I just exist. Just is existing is mediocre. I hate mediocrity.