One of my favorite TV shows is Scrubs, and from that is the relationship between Turk and JD, which was perhaps a little odd at times, but within the spirit of comedy, it kept people from feeling awkward. But without the aspect of comedy, what would this relationship look like? Would we accept it? Would we relate to it? Perhaps a few, but overall, probably not.
This week Haley and I watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It took us 6 days by the way... wow those movies are long! A similar relationship is depicted between Frodo and Samwise. Hobbits are portrayed as being more sensitive and affectionate than men in that story, so ultimately, within context, it still does not seem weird unless someone points out to us that it might be a little different.
Currently I am reading about King David. I'm starting at the beginning of his story, and quickly come across the relationship of David and Jonathan. God's anointed king said of Jonathan after his death, "I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; You have been very pleasant to me. Your love to me was more wonderful Than the love of women." Let that soak in a little. Think about that. Would you say that to your golfing buddy?
None of these relationships are homosexual relationships, they are all platonic friendships, but they are closer relationships than we as a culture are accustomed to seeing between two men. Women? Sure. Generally it is acceptable for women to develop close friendships and talk about their dreams, their desires, and their... brace yourself.... their feelings. For the most part men appreciate these relationships that women have with other women, it takes the burden off of us right? Because we hate talking about feelings.
Our culture embraces close friendships with women, but for the most part, men avoid getting "too close" to another guy. We will probably discourage our kids from it, and during pubescent years will encourage our boys to "man up." There are unspoken guidelines about male activities and conversation. Men should only spend time together if it is in the name of sports, hard work, or good food (but only from a grill!) right? And we should never express our feelings for another guy past the point of "You're an alright guy." But why?
What would people think? That I am gay? Would they think I am not a real man if I have feelings?
Let's talk about what happens when guys do have feelings, because they do, on occasion. Even the most macho of all men have feelings at least... 4 times in their life. So who do we turn to? We grow thick beards and drink heavy beer, we have sharp axes and guns would that knock women and children off of their feet. What does a man of this stature do with feelings?
We do one of three things, we either find unhealthy ways to deal with them, such as avoiding our families for extra time in the garage, where we obsess over our current project forsaking anything else so that we can remain focussed on not feeling; we develop unhealthy coping habits (or addictions).... or we talk to women. And we do, I see it all the time, this is a healthy response for a married man to talk to his wife, and for a single dude to talk to whoever will listen, but what happens when a husband and wife are having problems and the man wants to talk to someone about how he feels? We might tell our buddies at the gym, who will respond with, "Dude, that sucks. Can you spot me?" or maybe they will say, "That sounds tough, but I don't know what to tell you." Overall... no help. So then you go talk to another woman.
I just kind of slipped that in there...
Just casually.
The same way a man will casually bring up his marriage relationship with a woman he works with.
Think about your friends. All of them. If you're a guy, and you're married, who are you going to talk to when you and your wife have some turmoil? You will. You either know this because it has already happened, or you know it will happen eventually because you have seen it happen to other men. Many men seek the council of women because women understand feelings, and they feel comfortable having meaningful conversations because they do it all of the time with other women.
Recent studies published in Scientific American and Psychology Today show that in most heterosocial relationships, men especially, are attracted to the other member of the friendship. That's a very dangerous place to be in. Here is the scenario: You and your wife get in a fight, it's a big one. You don't know how to fix it (because men are fixers), you also don't know how to tell your wife how you feel without starting another fight (we're bad at that). You talk to your guy friends who throw you a beer and talk about the game instead. You still want to express yourself but are having trouble. At work a friendly co-worker says, "You seem upset, is everything alright?" And you talk to her, and she gives you good advice. You go talk to your wife and everything seems better, but you don't mention this other woman to her because it's not a big deal. You are happy at home, and at work you have a new friend. And you are becoming better friends. Now you occasionally think of her outside of work, you tell your wife a funny joke she made, and your wife says, "Who?" "Oh just a friend at work." Your wife seems a little uneasy about that so you don't bring it up again. You actually decide not to talk about your new friend around your wife, and you especially don't let your wife know that she is attractive. That you find her attractive. That you occasionally notice her attractiveness...
What is the end result of this story? It's not good is it?
So what is worse? Breaking your comfort zone with another dude, or breaking your marriage? Is this worse case scenario? Most definitely, but could you not, at times, benefit from a close friend in your life? Even if you're single, could you not benefit from an accountability partner? We're so worried about labels and stereotypes that we often neglect real needs that exist inside of us. Is there anything wrong with saying, "Yeah later today Bill is coming over and we are going to chop some wood and have an in-depth conversation about our week. I'm going to tell him I'm sad that the Tigers lost last night, and I'm also going to tell him how I feel about my Dad passing away and the great memories I had with him, and if I cry a little that's totally fine." Actually I don't know when it would ever be appropriate to be that specific about your plans for the evening, but I'm sure you get the idea.
I don't think for a second that God made us like lions or wolfs, in that we need to be alpha males and keep all other males away. We are relational, and I think it is totally healthy and appropriate for men to let their walls down and foster healthy homosocial relationships. Do not feel like this is any sort of hinderance to your masculinity, look at David. Plays the lyre, dances, close relationship with a dude, and oh yeah, every other story of him is of slaying Philistines in battle.
